A Letter To A Friend
by sad lasagna
Summary: "Would you ever risk your life for someone?" That's the question that Steve Rogers is asking his lost friend, Tony Stark. Written in a letter that took 10 minutes to write, but years to send, is everything that Steve has kept from Tony, including the reason why he chose to betray his friends. Post Civil War. Mentions of Stevebucky/Stucky


Would you ever risk your life for someone?  
Sorry, let me rephrase that: would you risk your life, everything, for someone you love more than anything?

My answer was yes.

Was it magnaminity?

No.

It was egoism.

Life has no meaning without love.  
When you love someone so much, they take your own soul, your whole heart, and they carry it around; if they fall, they drag you down with them.

My someone is James Buchanan Barnes, or as you like to call him _The Winter Soldier,_ or as I've called him my whole life, _Bucky_.

You, out of all people, should and could understand me, but you don't want to. To ask for forgiveness on his behalf would be another egoistic attempt, quite impossible to accomplish.

That's why I'll ask you to forgive me.

You believe I wasn't thinking straight when I defended him from you, from half of my friends, from 117 nations, but I believe I made the right choice, I don't regret anything: following Bucky, leaving my shield, leaving Captain America behind.

I left behind what people though defined me, to save what was left of the real _me,_ the real _Steve Rogers._

 _He_ was brainwashed Tony, he couldn't think straight _,_ you refuse to believe that, maybe you need to put it on Bucky, you need to have someone to hate, to kill, so that you finally avenge your father.

But I am not going to let you touch even a single strand of his hair, it's like that, to touch him, you have to go through me first.

Believe me, your father was a great friend, he helped me rescue Bucky and over 400 soldiers during the war, Bucky was devoted to him.  
He would have never killed him, or your mother, if he had a choice.  
He sees their ghosts Tony, the ghosts of everyone he was forced to kill, he is haunted by regret and hate for himself and his actions.

I am not asking you to forgive, but to understand and I know you can.

I was stupid to leave behind every detail of my _friendship_ with Bucky, if you can call it that.  
You were right when you said that you were my friend too, that it wasn't right for me to leave my friends behind to follow him.  
You would have been right if he had been just a friend.

Tony, I love Bucky, I love him with all my heart, with every fiber of my being.  
I couldn't live without him even if I wanted to.

Ask yourself, what would you do for Pepper?  
Would you kill? Would you die? Would you betray your friends? Would you fight 117 nations?

I did all of the above for him.

Have I ever regretted it? Nope, not once.

Tony, as much as I liked to deny it, as you probably are trying to deny it right now, and as much as the whole world will try to deny it, I love him and he loves me.

It's like this Tony, I am in love with Bucky.

Can you even imagine the headlines?

 _ **Captain America is gay**._

Oh sorry, not Captain America, Steve Rogers, nowadays known as Nomad.

 ** _Nomad, former Captain America, resigned and is now living as a fugitive just because he wanted to stay with his boyfriend._**

Too long, yet too short to represent what 90 years of knowing and loving Bucky meant and still means to me.  
A connection so deep, even death and cryostasis won't break.

A bond so strong no one can understand it, not even you could look through the hate and the cover of a story much longer than what every book in this universe could contain.

So yeah, I didn't choose a friend over a friend, I chose a best friend, lover, soulmate over a friend.

I am not going to apologize for that.

What I am going to apologize for is not telling you what he meant to me, not telling you what he was forced to do, not helping you understand me.  
For that I am so sorry Tony.

I am also sorry for your armor, that was a low move but I needed to get out of there alive, you know.

Hopefully I will hear from you, if not take care, please.

 _Your friend,_

 _Steve._


End file.
